Mourning a Non-Jewish Parent

Image: Candle flame. (Public domain)

I converted pretty late in life. My parents are long gone, and I’ve never been sure whether or not I should observe their yahrzeits. Both were gentiles. What do you think?

– A Reader

Great question! When a Jew has Jewish parents, they normally have an obligation to bury the parents, say kaddish for them, mourn them for a year, and then observe their yahrzeit in following years. Yahrzeit is the Ashkenazi word for the anniversary of a person’s death, and we observe it by lighting a candle, saying kaddish with a minyan, and giving tzedakah in their memory. The corresponding name in the Sephardic tradition is nahalah.

A Jew is not obligated to say kaddish for a non-Jewish parent. However, they may observe all Jewish mourning practices for them if they so choose. Thus the answer to your question, “Should I observe their yahrzeits?” is that you have no obligation to observe them. However, you are permitted to observe them if you wish.

In making your decision, a Jew should consider related mitzvot, particularly the mitzvah to honor one’s parents (Exodus 20:11.) Even then, there is no single answer. I have known Jews who chose to observe yahrzeits for their parents out of love and respect for the parents’ memories. I have also known Jews who did not observe yahrzeits for their parents because they believed the parents would not have wanted it, so out of respect they do not observe.

Jewish mourning practices have developed over many centuries. There is a deep wisdom in providing mourners with a fixed process through which they can mourn with support, and then emerge back into ordinary life. Some losses are profound, and for those, having periodic brief times of mourning such as yahrzeit and Yizkor can provide comfort even years after a death.

In general, I advise gerei tzedek [converts] to observe Jewish mourning practices for non-Jewish relatives unless they have strong objections to doing so. Mourning is no time to separate oneself from the community. Like every other Jew, the ger tzedek has a right to the comfort and support that Jewish mourning practice can provide.

Yahrzeit of Michael Brown

Today is the yahrzeit of Michael Brown.

Unsurprisingly, his parents are still mourning him. They will never stop mourning him. Parents whose children die do that.

His story has been back in the news, and I’ve watched today as social media has argued about his death, and about the movement that began with his death, #BlackLivesMatter.

I don’t have special access to the facts about Michael Brown. I’m not going to defend him here, nor am I going to defend the policeman who shot him.

Right now, it’s the anniversary of the death of a boy who represented hope and promise to his family. It’s the anniversary of the death of a young man who was their pride and joy.

A year ago these people lost their child to a violent death.

Let’s pause for a moment of human sympathy.

Remembering Rabin

Probably the most famous photo of PM Rabin, taken on Sept 13, 1993.
Probably the most famous photo of Prime Minister Rabin, taken on Sept 13, 1993.

This week we observed the 19th yahrzeit (anniversary of the death) of Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin. I have read several remembrances of him, which I would like to share with you:

“Remembering Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin” on ReformJudaism.org

“Remembering Yitzhak Rabin, 19 Years Later” by Times of Israel blogger Arielle Yael Mokhtarzadeh.

“For the sake of Zion I will not remain silent,” Remembering Yitzhak Rabin on Food for Mind, Body and Spirit, Rabbi Sharon Sobel’s blog. This post includes a remarkable poem by Rabbi Zoe Klein.

“Choosing Life over Land in Genesis 13 and in Peace Politics: Following Abraham and Remembering Rabin” by Ayala Emmett, in The Jewish Pluralist

 

Also, if there are readers who are thinking, “Who was Yitzhak Rabin?” here is the official biographical material from the Yitzhak Rabin Center in Israel.

 

 

How to Mourn as a Jew

Image: A Jewish cemetery with stones left on the markers.

Mourning is a time like no other.  Someone with whom we had a close connection has died, and our world is out of balance. We have spent years depending on that person, or supporting that person, and interacting with that person and suddenly they are … GONE. On top of that, there is much to do:  arrangements must be made, legal requirements fulfilled, and all while we are stunned by the news.

For American Jews, it is particularly confusing because as with many things, we are pulled in two directions.  American secular culture largely avoids mourning, and encourages us to be self-sufficient individuals, bravely getting on with life with as little disruption as possible. The dominant Christian religious culture teaches that loved ones have gone “to a better place.”

Jewish tradition takes a different path. It structures mourning as a staged process undertaken by those who are closely related to the deceased:  children, siblings, parent or spouse.  This definition of “mourner” can be updated to reflect the needs of all kinds of families, but the principle behind it is that we recognize some relationships as especially close. If you have lost someone whose absence will significantly alter your life, then consult with your rabbi for help in following the Jewish mourning process.

1. ANINUT is the time from the death itself until the burial is completed.  This is a time of concern for the body of the person who has died. Because it is so important in Judaism to treat the body with respect, the mourners have no responsibilities other than to make the funeral arrangements. They are relieved from other ritual requirements, and all social niceties. They are also assumed to be in deep shock and mourning, and friends should be available to assist if need be but should not intrude. Persons in aninut do not go to work, and are not responsible for other commitments.  They may tear an article of clothing and then wear it during shivah, or pin a torn ribbon to their clothing, to express their feelings of loss.

2. SHIVAH begins at the moment the body is safely laid to rest, and continues for a period after that, usually a week. (For calculations for the exact length of shivah when holidays are near, consult a rabbi.) Mourners in shivah remain at home, and friends help them with the necessities of life.  Friends visit to offer comfort.  (For more about the mitzvah of a shivah visit and what to say to a person in shiva, see Five Tips for Shivah.)

If you are the mourner, it is OK to ask for what you need, even if what you need is silence.  When you are sitting shivah, you are not entertaining. People may come to the house, but you do not have to look nice or have a neat house. It is OK for other people to do your dishes and to bring food to you.

Often American skimp on shivah, saying that they need to get back to work, or they don’t want to be any trouble.  If you possibly can, let shivah do its work. It can be boring and uncomfortable, but its purpose is to allow you time and space to mourn. You have suffered a loss.  It is OK to take time to acknowledge that loss.

3. SHELOSHIM is the 30 days after burial, including the seven days of shivah. At the close of shivah, mourners leave the house again.  Gradually, mourners will return to the routines of life.

4. MOURNING A PARENT goes on even longer, for eleven months or a full year, depending on local custom. One says Kaddish for the parent.

5. UNVEILING the tombstone (matzevah) is a ritual that became common in the 19th century, when close family gathers at the grave to unveil the marker and read Psalms and Kaddish. Timing of the unveiling depends on local custom: in some communities it is done at one year, in others at the end of sheloshim, and in others, at any convenient time at least a week after burial. It is traditional to visit the graves of loved ones, and to leave a stone on the tombstone as a sign that someone has visited.

6. YAHRZEIT is the observance of the anniversary of the person’s death.  (The first yahrzeit is observed at the anniversary of the burial; after that, it’s the anniversary of death.)  Mourners say Kaddish for the person and it is the custom in some places to burn a yahrzeit candle. It is an opportunity to remember the person, and if the feelings are still there, to grieve in the arms of one’s community. Many people visit the grave on the yahrzeit, and it is customary to leave a stone on the marker.

7. YIZKOR is a memorial service attached to the major Jewish holidays. It means “May [God] remember” but really, it is an opportunity for us to remember, and to have an opportunity to feel the feelings that may come up with memory. Yizkor takes place as part of services on Yom Kippur, on Shmini Atzeret, on the last day of Passover, and on Shavuot.

It takes time and effort to rebuild our lives after a significant loss. Jewish tradition allows us the time and space to fully mourn, then put away mourning for a return to life, all the while honoring the memory of the deceased.  Remember that if you have to deal with people who want you to “get over it” and get back to work or social obligations, Jewish mourning is a religious obligation as well as a psychologically healthy approach to dealing with loss.

If you are a mourner, may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.