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- What did your parents say to you about money, growing up?
- What did you learn about money from watching your parents?
- What do you wish you had learned from your parents about money?
Money is one of the most awkward topics to discuss with our children. It goes right to the heart of our values and often, to any shame we are carrying from our own life experiences. A study by T. Rowe Price in 2017 revealed that 69% of parents feel reluctance in talking about money with their children.
And yet the Torah is adamant that we talk to our children about our possessions, including money:
Hear, O Israel, Adonai is our God, Adonai is One. You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your possessions. And these words that I command to you today shall be in your heart: you shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.”Deuteronomy 6:4-7
There it is, right in the Shema prayer: “You shall love… God… with all your possessions. And these words that I command to you today… you shall teach them diligently to your children.”
Here are some suggestions for talking with children about money:
- Take some time to think about your own values and feelings about money, and those of the other parent. Ask yourself, “What do I really believe, and how does it show in my behavior?” We cannot be truthful with our children if we aren’t truthful with ourselves first.
- Also, listen to your own speech about money: whom you admire, whom if anyone you envy, whom you talk about in disparaging terms. Keep in mind that your children are taking all this in: are these the messages you want to teach them?
- Talk about needs vs. wants. This works better when it is not in the middle of a conversation about something your child desperately wants. Let them hear you think out loud about your own money decisions.
- Answer questions about money with questions to find out what exactly your child is asking. If a child asks, “Are we rich?” ask, “Why do you ask?” Get at the actual question, which might be anything from “Do we have enough money to live?” to “Someone at school said some mean anti-Semitic things to me about rich Jews.”
- When a child expresses worry, take them seriously. Find out what is worrying them about money, hear them out, and reassure them as truthfully as you can.
- As children grow up, let them participate in some family decision-making about money. The tzedakah budget is a great place to begin.
- Children need practice in handling their own money, either from an allowance or money that they earn themselves.
- Above all, be honest. Children need to be able to trust you, and if you aren’t telling the truth (if your words don’t match your behavior) they will notice and will not know when to believe you.