Life is Unfair. Now What?

Image: Rabbi Stacey Blank blowing the shofar. Photo by Tamir Blank.

Yesterday I wrote about the Unetaneh Tokef, one of the harshest prayers in the Jewish liturgy. It reminds us that we do not know what lies ahead: we do not know who will live, and who will die, or by what means any of this will happen. The prayer is graphic and dreadful. It pulls no punches; it reminds us that none of us are immune to tragedy.

After the “Who will live and who will die” section, though, it talks about “how to avert the severe decree.” That’s the second place at the prayer loses many of us: what? We can avoid dying? Avoid tragedy? What sort of foolishness is that?

The prayer seems to say that God punishes the wicked with sorrows, and that the good will not suffer.  Any reasonable person knows that is nonsense. Bad things happen to good people every day. If we know anything at all about life, we know that it is not fair.

What shall we do, then, with the line in the prayer, “But teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah avert the severe decree”? It comes almost at the end, just before a paragraph on the mercy of God. But for those who have suffered a terrible loss, where is the mercy?

I do not believe that we can ward off misfortune with teshuvahtefilah, and tzedakah. Instead, I believe those are means with which we may work our way towards a life after tragedy.  Teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah are the tools with which we can build a bridge towards life. If we have not yet suffered misfortune, we can use the three to build a strong, rich life that may be a source of sustenance in bad times. If we have already suffered a tragedy, these are the tools for working our way back towards life.

Teshuvah involves taking responsibility for our own actions and changing our own behavior as needed. It reminds us what is in our control, and what is not. Tefillah is prayer, which can power and shape the changes we choose to make. Tzedakah is giving for the purpose of relieving the misery of others: it takes us outside ourselves and our troubles, to notice and act to relieve the troubles of our fellow human beings.

If you are carrying the burden of a tragedy, first of all, my sympathy. You didn’t sign up for it, and you didn’t deserve it.  I do not believe that God “sends” misery to people to test them, or to punish them, or any such thing. We cannot avoid  falling victim to these things, but we can choose our response to them. I have personally found teshuvah (personal responsibility), prayer, and charitable giving to have remarkable healing power, not to “get me over” my private sorrows but to carry me back into life.

For individuals who suffer trauma,  the Unetaneh Tokef offers a possible path not to forget a tragedy, but to find a way to choose life despite everything.

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Rabbi Ruth Adar is a teaching rabbi in San Leandro, CA. She has many hats: rabbi, granny, and ham radio operator K6RAV. She blogs at and teaches at Jewish Gateways in Albany, CA.

10 thoughts on “Life is Unfair. Now What?”

  1. Rabbi Ruth your words ring so true here. I find the Unetaneh Tokef prayer a difficult one as you have described. When I first read it as a tweenager it scared me dramatically. Until that point my experience as someone younger I had always been taken to the “children’s prayer service” during the time that prayer was spoken in the adult sanctuary. Now that I was a Bat Mitzvah I could participate as an adult and here was a major prayer in which I not participated.

    As I have experienced several tragedies in my life, I have come to better understand that this is the aspect of life that we are all guaranteed when we are born. It is up to each of us to learn how to accept the good and the difficult that life offers in the best way possible and to become the best human being that is the Image of our Creator.

    Now I realize this prayer reminds me each year that my responsibility is that I must be the very best that I am able to be, to pray heartfuly and to give with love so that others may excel and do not suffer.

    Thank you for this commentary! Shalom.

  2. Thank you for this. You may remember that I was sex trafficked as a young child, up through my teens, and that rapists injured my back, leaving me in constant, crippling physical pain. My faith in G-d did and does help me survive and sometimes even thrive. Never did I believe in a G-d who permitted or wanted those awful things to happen to me. I don’t know why so few people understand that faith need not include a punishment and reward understanding of G-d.

    Still, I struggle with the unfairness of it all. I have yet to make peace with it. But you make me feel like I’m doing the right things. I take responsibility for who I am. I pray. And I give to others by writing about and raising awareness of child trafficking. Still, with Trump’s win, injustice and human cruelty seem to far outweigh any positives I find in my pain-anguished life. The future feels dark right now.

  3. Thank you! Another short post filled with wisdom… I really like this part: “I have personally found teshuvah (personal responsibility), prayer, and charitable giving to have remarkable healing power, not to “get me over” my private sorrows but to carry me back into life.” Wow. Again, thank you for this.

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