Image: Couple receiving visitors bringing food. (Iakov Filimonov /Shutterstock)
At a time of trouble, good friends are apt to say, “Let me know if I can help.” However, the worse the disaster, the harder it is for the suffering person to articulate what they need. Here is a list of things you can offer to do for a Jewish mourner:
During shiva (the week following the funeral):
- Bring food
- Clean the kitchen
- Pick up the children from —
- Assist with pet care
- Run errands: grocery, dry cleaning, etc.
- Make coffee or tea
- Greet visitors at the door
- Answer the phone
- Make phone calls
After shiva is over:
- Invite them to lunch or dinner
- run errands
- help with household chores
- help with transportation for children, pets, or the mourner herself
- invite them for part of Shabbat or a holiday
- listen when they talk about the deceased or about their sorrows
Do not:
- Tell them you know how they feel
- Speculate about the afterlife
- Tell them that they should get over it, or that they will get over it
- Ask when they will be dating
- Press them about anything that they don’t want to discuss
- Ask for the belongings of the deceased
Mourners have been left behind by someone they loved. They may also feel abandoned by the living. You can help by including them in your life, and by making genuine, concrete offers of assistance at a difficult time.
A friend is a wonderful gift, but a friend who is willing to be present and help at a time of trouble is a treasure.
Related articles
- Not greeting mourners at a shivah (thejc.com)
- Jewish Funeral Etiquette: 10 Tips (coffeeshoprabbi.com)
- Comforting a mourner: Shiva wimps and heroes (blogs.timesofisrael.com)
