Jewish Funeral Etiquette: 10 Tips

This is an update of a post from a while back. Click on “Especially for Beginners” in the menu on the right side of your screen to find more articles about the basics of Jewish living. 

The sages tell us that there is no greater mitzvah than to help bury someone, because it is a favor that cannot be returned. They don’t mention (but I am sure they knew) that it is also a difficult mitzvah: death is scary, graves are scary, and loss is painful.  Jewish funeral etiquette is slightly different from many American customs. Here are my beginners’ tips for attending Jewish funerals:

1. DON’T STAY AWAY. It may be tempting to “have a prior commitment” when there is a death on the outskirts of our circle of friends, but it is a good thing to go to funerals even when you knew the person but “not very well.”  The person who died won’t know you are there, but to the mourners it is a comfort to be surrounded by their community, especially by their friends.

2. YOUR PRESENCE IS IMPORTANT. You do not need to say much to mourners; in fact, the less said, the better. Nothing you say is going to fix it. What will help most is your presence at the funeral or at shiva (more about that in a minute.) Take their hand. Say “I am so sorry” if you must, but in Jewish tradition, there is no need to say anything at all unless the mourner starts the conversation. Mostly what will help is for you to let them know that they have friends who will not disappear.

3. WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES. Dress nicely, but wear sensible shoes if you are going to the graveside. Cemetery grounds are often extremely plushy grass. If it would be difficult to walk in sand in the those shoes, they will be miserable in a cemetery. All of this goes triple if it has been raining. You do not want to be the woman I once saw trapped in the mud by her very expensive (and ruined) stiletto heels.

4. LOW KEY IS THE KEY. If you find friends there, just remember that this IS a funeral: talk quietly. Once the service begins, be quiet. Turn OFF the cell phone for the service, and do not fiddle with it.

5. MOSTLY, JUST LISTEN. There is very little required of the congregation at a funeral. Your job is to be there. There will be a few prayers, perhaps a song, a hesped (eulogy), and the traditional prayers  El Maleh Rachamim [God Full of Mercy] and the Mourner’s Kaddish. Say “Amen” [Ah-MAYN] when the congregation says it, if you wish. The payoff for listening is that you will learn things about this person that you did not know. You may hear some wonderful stories.

6. FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. The funeral director will give directions before and after the service. Please do whatever he or she tells you to do: park here, sit there, stand, don’t walk there.  Complying with directions is one way to support the mourners and give respect to the dead.

7. AT GRAVESIDE. Some funerals move from a chapel to graveside, some are held at graveside. If you do not know the family well, it is OK to attend the chapel service and then skip the graveside service – it’s assumed to be more private. There will likely be chairs under an awning facing the open grave. Those chairs are for mourners; you do not want to sit in them unless you are a member of the family or disabled. There will be a few prayers, the casket will be lowered, and the officiant may assist the family in the ancient custom of shoveling earth into the grave. One or three shovelfuls is typical, and after the family, other attendees may assist. It is a symbolic way of participating in caring for the body by putting it safely in the earth. Again, follow directions; this is an extremely sensitive time for the family and you don’t want to cause a problem.

8. SHIVA. There may be an announcement about shiva, the gathering at the home for (traditionally) seven days after the burial. Go at the times announced. At the shiva house, remember that your presence is what matters; you cannot make their pain go away with words. Mourners need time and space to mourn, and it is an act of kindness to give them the opportunity to do so. Usually there is a short service at the shiva house in the morning and evening. You can linger, but do not overstay: when people start leaving, go. Keep in mind that this is not a party, the mourners are not “entertaining.” Sending or bringing prepared food is a very nice thing to do; when in doubt, send kosher food.

9. DONATIONS.  Most families will designate a charity to which donations (tzedakah) may be made in memory of the dead, and most non-profits are happy to send a card to the mourners telling them about your gift. This is not required, but it is a very nice thing to do. Which brings us to:

10. THINGS YOU WILL NOT SEE OR HEAR AT A TRADITIONAL JEWISH FUNERAL: 

  • Flowers – instead, Jews give donations to a memorial fund. (See #9 above)
  • An open casket – We don’t look at a dead person unnecessarily, since they cannot look back at us.
  • A fancy casket – Traditionally, Jewish caskets are plain, unfinished wood.
  • Talk about the afterlife – Most Jews focus on doing good in this life. We don’t know for sure what happens after death, and we tend not to worry about it much. Some think there is an afterlife, some don’t.
At a somewhat less traditional Jewish funeral, there may be a fancy casket, or there may have been a cremation. Do not comment about anything that seems unusual. The mourners may be honoring a request of the deceased, or something may have been the topic of a disagreement in the family.  These people are already in pain: this is not the time to appoint yourself the Jewish Tradition Cop! If you have questions, call or email a rabbi later (or leave a question in the comments here!)
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In my work as a rabbi, I find few things more spiritually enriching than a funeral. It is a sobering thing to stand by an open grave. Many silly things that seemed terribly important shrink to an appropriate size in the face of death. Being with a family and friendship circle as they comfort each other is a reminder that love is indeed “stronger than death.” (Song of Songs 8:6) The whole experience puts me back in touch with the beauty of life.
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Of course, there is much more to learn about Jewish funerals and mourning practice, but this is intended to be a guide for those who are about to attend a Jewish funeral for the first time. I hope that it is helpful as you perform this mitzvah.
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10 Responses to Jewish Funeral Etiquette: 10 Tips

  1. Lurkertype says:

    I clicked on your comment over at Scalzi’s place and here we are.

    I recall vividly going to the funeral of a friend who died suddenly at 25. And tossing that shovel of dirt into the grave — that THUMP as it hits the wood — I can still hear it. But that was the moment when it felt real and several of us agreed that it was actually how we started to get through it and accept it. It’s a good custom.

    A bunch of us gentiles had phoned up (no WWW then!) all the Jews we knew to get the scoop, and as you said, then we just quietly did what we were told the whole time from synagogue to grave to the shiva house, where we left food and our condolences for about half an hour.

    Later, I got a lovely note from the mother about how much she’d appreciated us showing up for the whole thing, better than some of the relatives or synagogue members! We also turned up for the yahrzeit and that was appreciated. I found a very pretty rock.

    My friend is buried in Colma (who isn’t?), very near the grave of my BFFs mother, so the BFF goes by there now and again — my rock is still there.

    I’m glad to know we did it right, and that now people can click here to find it all out more easily.

    Like

    • rabbiadar says:

      Wow. You made my day with that message. I want this site to help people manage when they are going to be at something Jewish and don’t know what to do.

      You did a good thing, going to that funeral. It took gumption and meant a lot to the family.

      Like

      • Lurkertype says:

        I wish I’d had this site then! We ended up doing all the right things, but we got the info piecemeal and would have had more confidence if we’d had something like this.

        And luckily our friend was Reform, so we figured as long as we were respectful and didn’t bring any pork, it would be okay.

        Like

      • rabbiadar says:

        You have excellent instincts! I think 98% of it is just a kind heart and a willingness to copy what others are doing.

        Like

  2. Susan Barnes says:

    I love the advice about not asking about anything that seems unusual. I haven’t seen that advice before, and I can imagine several scenarios in which such a question might cause embarrassment and/or distress.

    Like

    • rabbiadar says:

      Thanks, Susan. I have heard people say thoughtless things to mourners; I think a lot of it happens because they are trying to make conversation. Sometimes it happens because someone is in the habit of playing “Who’s the most Jewish” – but whatever it is, saying, “gee, I have never seen X at a Jewish funeral” when there were already mixed feelings in the family is a real problem. I love the custom of simply BEING there – it solves 100% of the “what to say” problem.

      Like

  3. […] Jewish Funeral Etiquette: 10 Tips (coffeeshoprabbi.com) […]

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  4. […] fact that the blog gets lots of readers via searches, people looking for bar mitzvah etiquette and rules for funerals and […]

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  5. As a Catholic married to a Jewish man, I was surprised to hear that his sister would be having an open casket at her funeral. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the room where the casket sat . . . but there was no one in it! Or so I thought. Apparently the Jewish funeral home, accustomed to closed-casket services, was not aware of the head-and-shoulder support that open caskets use. My poor sister-in-law was lying in repose at the bottom of the box.

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    • rabbiadar says:

      Bette, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that the open casket was your sister in law’s wish.

      That IS a surprise; open casket funerals are extremely unusual for Jews. I wonder if the funeral home didn’t know about the head-and-shoulder support, or if they elected to omit it so that only those who wanted to see the body could do so?

      I recently attended a funeral for a beloved synagogue employee who was Christian. Many Jews attended the service, and some were deeply upset by the sight of his embalmed body. They did not say a word about that to the family, of course – this manner of service and burial had been his wish and that of his family. I’m wondering if the Jewish funeral home at your sister in law’s funeral decided to arrange the body so that those who would be upset by it could avoid seeing it.

      Like

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