Image: A Jewish cemetery. Note the pebbles left on monuments. Photo by Darelle, via pixabay.com.
This is another post with which I hope to make Jewish life a little more accessible. Click on “Especially for Beginners” in the menu on the right side of your screen to find more articles about the basics of Jewish living.
The sages tell us that there is no greater mitzvah than to help bury someone, because it is a favor that cannot be returned. It is also a mitzvah people tend to avoid: death is scary, graves are scary, and loss is painful. Jewish funeral etiquette is slightly different from secular or Christian American customs. Here are my beginners’ tips for attending Jewish funerals:
1. DON’T STAY AWAY. It may be tempting to “have a prior commitment” when there is a death on the outskirts of our circle of friends, but it is a good thing to go to funerals even when you knew the person but “not very well.” The person who died won’t know you are there, but to the mourners it is a comfort to be surrounded by their community, especially by their friends.
2. YOUR PRESENCE IS IMPORTANT. You do not need to say much to mourners; in fact, the less said, the better. Nothing you say is going to fix it. What will help most is your presence at the funeral or at shiva (more about that in a minute.) Take their hand. Say “I am so sorry” if you must, but in Jewish tradition, there is no need to say anything at all unless the mourner starts the conversation. Mostly what will help is for you to let them know that they have friends who will not disappear.
3. WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES. Dress nicely, but wear sensible shoes if you are going to the graveside. Cemetery grounds are often extremely plushy grass. If it would be difficult to walk in sand in the those shoes, they will be miserable in a cemetery. All of this goes triple if it has been raining. You do not want to be the woman I once saw trapped in the mud by her very expensive (and ruined) stiletto heels.
4. LOW KEY IS THE KEY. If you find friends there, just remember that this IS a funeral: talk quietly. Once the service begins, be quiet. Turn OFF the cell phone for the service, and do not fiddle with it.
5. MOSTLY, JUST LISTEN. There is very little required of the congregation at a funeral. Your job is to be there. There will be a few prayers, some psalms, a hesped (eulogy), and the traditional prayers El Maleh Rachamim [God Full of Mercy] and the Mourner’s Kaddish. Say “Amen” [Ah-MAYN] when the congregation says it, if you wish. The payoff for listening is that you will learn things about this person that you did not know. You may hear some wonderful stories.
6. FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. The funeral director will give directions before and after the service. Do whatever he or she tells you to do: park here, sit there, stand, don’t walk there. Complying with directions is one way to support the mourners and give respect to the dead.
7. AT GRAVESIDE. Some funerals move from a chapel to graveside, some are held at graveside. If you do not know the family well, it is OK to attend the chapel service and then skip the graveside service; it’s assumed to be more private. There will likely be chairs under an awning facing the open grave. Those chairs are for mourners; you do not want to sit in them unless you are a member of the family or disabled. There will be a few prayers, the casket will be lowered, and the officiant may assist the family in the ancient custom of shoveling earth into the grave. One or three shovelfuls is typical, and after the family, other attendees may assist. It is a symbolic way of participating in caring for the body by putting it safely in the earth. Again, follow directions; this is an extremely sensitive time for the family and you don’t want to disrupt the flow of the service.
8. SHIVA. There may be an announcement about shiva, the gathering at the home for (traditionally) seven days after the burial. If the family announces specific times, go only at those times. At the shiva house, remember that your presence is what matters. You cannot make their pain go away with words. Mourners need time and space to mourn, and it is an act of kindness to give them the opportunity to do so. Usually there is a short service at the shiva house in the morning and evening. You can linger, but do not overstay: when people start leaving, go. Keep in mind that this is not a party, the mourners are not “entertaining.” Sending or bringing prepared food is a very nice thing to do; when in doubt, send kosher food.
9. DONATIONS. Most families will designate a charity to which donations (tzedakah) may be made in memory of the dead, and most non-profits are happy to send a card to the mourners telling them about your gift. This is not required, but it is a very nice thing to do. Which brings us to:
10. THINGS YOU WILL NOT SEE OR HEAR AT A TRADITIONAL JEWISH FUNERAL:
- Flowers – instead, Jews give donations to a memorial fund. (See #9 above)
- An open casket – We don’t look at a dead person unnecessarily, since they cannot look back at us.
- A fancy casket – Traditionally, Jewish caskets are plain, unfinished wood.
- Talk about the afterlife – Most Jews focus on doing good in this life. We don’t know for sure what happens after death, and we tend not to worry about it much. Some think there is an afterlife, some don’t.
Jewish Social Skills: Death & Mourning
Jewish Funeral – Why not send flowers?
What to Wear to a Jewish Funeral
What is the Jewish Prayer for the Dead?
Mourning for a Non-Jewish Loved One
What is the Mourner’s Kaddish?
Jews at a Christian Funeral: Some Thoughts
22 thoughts on “10 Tips for Attending a Jewish Funeral”
Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Internet explorer.
I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know.
The design and style look great though! Hope you get the issue resolved soon.
Thank you, Torby! I’ll take a look and see what can be done.
rabbi what if you didnt know your friend had pass what do you send now that you found out please email me back he is jew and i am catholic
Oh, Dawn, I am so sorry that your friend passed away! It is never too late to reach out to others who miss him to share your love and grief. You can get on the phone and say, “I just heard the terrible news.”
If he was Jewish, his family may have designated a charity to which you can contribute in his memory. If not, it is a Jewish custom to choose a charity you think would have been meaningful to him and to give in his name.
I wish you consolation in your loss.
Thank you for another informative post.
Hi Rabbi- I would suggest adding to #7 that those who are disabled, who would find it painful to stand, may sit in the chairs. I would add to #8 that it is customary to bring a plate of finger food, usually cookies or brownies, to shiva. If shiva is at a kosher home, bring kosher food. Bring it on a platter that you don’t expect to get back, so you do not burden the family with having to return platters. Party supply or dollar stores have nice platters for this purpose.it is most important to attend shiva, so if you can’t bring food, go anyway.
Debbie, those are all excellent additions! Well said, and thank you.
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Excellent summary! While Jews do not focus on the afterlife as much as Christians often do, it is definitely on our minds. Occasionally I will refer to it during the eulogy, or address people’s concerns about it during informal conversations at the cemetery or at the shiva. -Rabbi Karen
Thank you very much for this post. I find your posts informative & enlightening. The fact that you take the time to explain to strangers the facts, myths & history of Judaisim is nothing less than a wonderful mitzvah. Thank you, Rabbi.
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Thank you for posting these helps for those of us who want to be supportive of Jewish friends and neighbors. It is very important to me that I show respect and love to those of differing religions and know how to behave and what is expected so I can be of help, not cause a problem or do something not in accordance with beliefs. Many thanks!