Shabbat Shalom: No Nagging, Please!

Image: The word “nagging” in black, with a red “NO” sign imposed upon it.

How do you begin to keep Shabbat, if you didn’t grow up with it?

Here’s how I began to keep Shabbat more than 25 years ago.

My children were middle school age, so we were often frustrated with one another. It seemed that all I did was nag, nag, nag and I was sick of it.

One afternoon inspiration hit.

I had been reading The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel when suddenly light dawned: I knew what I wanted first for our “cathedral in time:” I wanted all the nagging to stop. I wanted us all to have as happy a Shabbat as possible. So that’s what I did: sat them down and declared a No Nagging Zone from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. They were skeptical.

“No nagging at all?” the younger one said, “Even about my homework?”

“No nagging at all. I can resume reminding you at sundown. But get this: you can’t nag either: no whining to go to the store, or to take you to the movies, or whatever. You can ask, but no whining or nagging. If anyone tries something that feels like nagging to us, all we have to do is say, ‘Shabbat.’” They looked at each other and shrugged: yep, she’s lost her mind.

Over time, it became a habit. If I mentioned “homework” or “making your bed” or later “college applications” they’d look at me and say simply, “Shabbat, mom.” I’d back off (until sundown.) We all relaxed. We began to look forward to Shabbat. Conversations happened on Shabbat, because all the nagging options were closed.

Later I began to decide how I was going to keep Shabbat in other ways: what was “work” for me, and what kind of observance would align me with my Jewish community. But that first step towards the peace of Shabbat was maybe the best.

We say “Shabbat Shalom” and it’s worth pausing a moment to think about what that really means. Do we invite peace into our homes? Do we relax? Is Shabbat a time when family can become closer? For some families that happens with food and routines and traditional observance, but for me and mine it began with the No Nagging Zone.

What was your first step in beginning to keep Shabbat? If you grew up with Shabbat, what is your earliest memory of it?

This is an update of a post from several years ago.

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Rabbi Ruth Adar is a teaching rabbi in San Leandro, CA. She has many hats: rabbi, granny, and ham radio operator K6RAV. She blogs at and teaches at Jewish Gateways in Albany, CA.

3 thoughts on “Shabbat Shalom: No Nagging, Please!”

  1. Brilliant advice for all of us — whether we never heard of Shabbat before or if we have observed it in some fashion all of our lives! Thank you, Rabbi Adar!

  2. My first memory of Shabbat is attending junior services on Saturday. I was among the youngest at age 8 since I had started Hebrew School at that age too. I remember all of us junior observers in the small chapel used for daily morning and evening services by adults. All the adults on Shabbat would be worshipping in the large shul. The adults sat separately, men apart from women. In the small chapel we all got to sit together, boys and girls. I happily remember the friends I made along with my first boyfriend. What a great memory this is for me@

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