It all started six weeks ago when I found a lump in my right breast. My regular mammogram was coming up, so I figured OK, I will just keep the appointment. That was the wrong plan, because insurance being what it is, I needed to have a different kind of appointment with different approvals for a mammo with an actual bump. Oh.
I got the callback for Mammo #2 after a week. (Yes, I had to wait for the results on #1 before they could sign me up for round 2.) Round 2 was more mammography plus an ultrasound.
That trip to the radiologist was scary. I thought I was pretty calm at first, but when techs kept “going to check with the doctor” and then coming back to take more images again and again, I got very nervous. The last verse of Adon Olam [Master of Time & Space] played over and over in my head:
B’yado afkid ruchi
b’eit ishan v’a-irah
V’im ruchi g’viyati,
Adonai li, v’lo ira.
Into your hand I trust my soul,
When I sleep and when I wake.
As with my spirit, my body too:
God is with me and I will not fear.
Then the tech asked me to hum. It was the first thing she’d said to me in a while.
“What?” I was startled – you want me to what?
“Hum, please, it will help us see details.”
So I hummed what was in my head: Adon Olam. It was weirdly comforting. It was also just plain weird.
She snapped a few more pictures and then let me get dressed. Off I went to wait for another report. I got yet another callback: time for an “ultrasound guided needle biopsy.”
That time, no singing.
And finally, good news: it’s benign, probably a bit of damage from last year’s car accident. Whew.
The whole adventure took 6 weeks. My beloved life-partner, Linda, was a wonderful support. I can only imagine what bells were going off in her head as a two-time cancer survivor. I told a small circle of people what was happening, and they were solid: my rabbi, my cantor, a couple of friends.
I learned some things about myself. I was afraid, so afraid that I couldn’t admit I was afraid. The ancient words of Adon Olam became my mantra, insisting that I will not fear. I clung to the words, and to the tune, and to all of it because it was a fixed point in what I feared was about to become an unraveling world.
Did I believe “God is on my side so I will not have cancer?” Of course not. The fixed words of the prayers were a handhold on the familiar, on the things that endure. They were comforting precisely because they had been hummed by so many distressed Jews before me. They were comforting to me because they were a statement of faith that whatever happens, I am not alone.
I believe that God is the ultimate mystery; I do not presume to say much of anything about God on my own. What I do believe is that I am not alone, that goodness will be made manifest to me through the actions of good people, and through the blessings of creation, which is itself good. (Gen. 1:31) And I do believe that the traditions of Judaism link me to many of those people, and to a particular experience and appreciation of life.
Adonai li, v’lo ira.
In a way, it’s a whistle in the dark. I choose to believe that at the heart of the universe, there is goodness. Even had it been cancer, even had it been very, very bad, my life has meaning.
Adonai li, v’lo ira!
6 thoughts on “Fear and Humming: a Cancer Scare”
Thank you, Devereaux! Haven’t noticed you around these parts before. What drew you to reply to this entry?
I agree that we are not alone, that humming is like holding someone’s hand. Sometimes the Adonai aspect of God is just too big for me and I have to switch over to the Shechinah in my mind. An intimate, loving Presence.
I have a deal with God. It is that whatever comes after this has to be as good (or better) than gardening.
I am so glad you are well and shared this.
We Jews have so many names for God because we know that God is way beyond us. Each name gives us little window into the possibilities of God, and it’s good to find the one that works for us.
I like the Shekhinah, too — and Maqom (Place). Also Tzur Yisrael – Rock of Israel.
Thank you for your comment!
Ahh, so sorry for your scare, but very pleased how it turned out.
” so afraid that I couldn’t admit I was afraid. The ancient words of Adon Olam became my mantra, insisting that I will not fear.”
I love that Rabbi, and it’s so true. We can chose to trust/obey Him, inspite of the fear we may be experiencing, and I believe He is tickled pink when we do!
Thanks, Ruth, for your good wishes!