This is an update of a post from a while back. Click on “Especially for Beginners” in the menu on the right side of your screen to find more articles about the basics of Jewish living.
The sages tell us that there is no greater mitzvah than to help bury someone, because it is a favor that cannot be returned. It is also a mitzvah people tend to avoid: death is scary, graves are scary, and loss is painful. Jewish funeral etiquette is slightly different from secular or Christian American customs. Here are my beginners’ tips for attending Jewish funerals:
1. DON’T STAY AWAY. It may be tempting to “have a prior commitment” when there is a death on the outskirts of our circle of friends, but it is a good thing to go to funerals even when you knew the person but “not very well.” The person who died won’t know you are there, but to the mourners it is a comfort to be surrounded by their community, especially by their friends.
2. YOUR PRESENCE IS IMPORTANT. You do not need to say much to mourners; in fact, the less said, the better. Nothing you say is going to fix it. What will help most is your presence at the funeral or at shiva (more about that in a minute.) Take their hand. Say “I am so sorry” if you must, but in Jewish tradition, there is no need to say anything at all unless the mourner starts the conversation. Mostly what will help is for you to let them know that they have friends who will not disappear.
3. WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES. Dress nicely, but wear sensible shoes if you are going to the graveside. Cemetery grounds are often extremely plushy grass. If it would be difficult to walk in sand in the those shoes, they will be miserable in a cemetery. All of this goes triple if it has been raining. You do not want to be the woman I once saw trapped in the mud by her very expensive (and ruined) stiletto heels.
4. LOW KEY IS THE KEY. If you find friends there, just remember that this IS a funeral: talk quietly. Once the service begins, be quiet. Turn OFF the cell phone for the service, and do not fiddle with it.
5. MOSTLY, JUST LISTEN. There is very little required of the congregation at a funeral. Your job is to be there. There will be a few prayers, some psalms, a hesped (eulogy), and the traditional prayers El Maleh Rachamim [God Full of Mercy] and the Mourner’s Kaddish. Say “Amen” [Ah-MAYN] when the congregation says it, if you wish. The payoff for listening is that you will learn things about this person that you did not know. You may hear some wonderful stories.
6. FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. The funeral director will give directions before and after the service. Do whatever he or she tells you to do: park here, sit there, stand, don’t walk there. Complying with directions is one way to support the mourners and give respect to the dead.
7. AT GRAVESIDE. Some funerals move from a chapel to graveside, some are held at graveside. If you do not know the family well, it is OK to attend the chapel service and then skip the graveside service; it’s assumed to be more private. There will likely be chairs under an awning facing the open grave. Those chairs are for mourners; you do not want to sit in them unless you are a member of the family or disabled. There will be a few prayers, the casket will be lowered, and the officiant may assist the family in the ancient custom of shoveling earth into the grave. One or three shovelfuls is typical, and after the family, other attendees may assist. It is a symbolic way of participating in caring for the body by putting it safely in the earth. Again, follow directions; this is an extremely sensitive time for the family and you don’t want to disrupt the flow of the service.
8. SHIVA. There may be an announcement about shiva, the gathering at the home for (traditionally) seven days after the burial. If the family announces specific times, go only at those times. At the shiva house, remember that your presence is what matters. You cannot make their pain go away with words. Mourners need time and space to mourn, and it is an act of kindness to give them the opportunity to do so. Usually there is a short service at the shiva house in the morning and evening. You can linger, but do not overstay: when people start leaving, go. Keep in mind that this is not a party, the mourners are not “entertaining.” Sending or bringing prepared food is a very nice thing to do; when in doubt, send kosher food.
9. DONATIONS. Most families will designate a charity to which donations (tzedakah) may be made in memory of the dead, and most non-profits are happy to send a card to the mourners telling them about your gift. This is not required, but it is a very nice thing to do. Which brings us to:
10. THINGS YOU WILL NOT SEE OR HEAR AT A TRADITIONAL JEWISH FUNERAL:
- Flowers – instead, Jews give donations to a memorial fund. (See #9 above)
- An open casket – We don’t look at a dead person unnecessarily, since they cannot look back at us.
- A fancy casket – Traditionally, Jewish caskets are plain, unfinished wood.
- Talk about the afterlife – Most Jews focus on doing good in this life. We don’t know for sure what happens after death, and we tend not to worry about it much. Some think there is an afterlife, some don’t.
I clicked on your comment over at Scalzi’s place and here we are.
I recall vividly going to the funeral of a friend who died suddenly at 25. And tossing that shovel of dirt into the grave — that THUMP as it hits the wood — I can still hear it. But that was the moment when it felt real and several of us agreed that it was actually how we started to get through it and accept it. It’s a good custom.
A bunch of us gentiles had phoned up (no WWW then!) all the Jews we knew to get the scoop, and as you said, then we just quietly did what we were told the whole time from synagogue to grave to the shiva house, where we left food and our condolences for about half an hour.
Later, I got a lovely note from the mother about how much she’d appreciated us showing up for the whole thing, better than some of the relatives or synagogue members! We also turned up for the yahrzeit and that was appreciated. I found a very pretty rock.
My friend is buried in Colma (who isn’t?), very near the grave of my BFFs mother, so the BFF goes by there now and again — my rock is still there.
I’m glad to know we did it right, and that now people can click here to find it all out more easily.
Wow. You made my day with that message. I want this site to help people manage when they are going to be at something Jewish and don’t know what to do.
You did a good thing, going to that funeral. It took gumption and meant a lot to the family.
I wish I’d had this site then! We ended up doing all the right things, but we got the info piecemeal and would have had more confidence if we’d had something like this.
And luckily our friend was Reform, so we figured as long as we were respectful and didn’t bring any pork, it would be okay.
You have excellent instincts! I think 98% of it is just a kind heart and a willingness to copy what others are doing.
I love the advice about not asking about anything that seems unusual. I haven’t seen that advice before, and I can imagine several scenarios in which such a question might cause embarrassment and/or distress.
Thanks, Susan. I have heard people say thoughtless things to mourners; I think a lot of it happens because they are trying to make conversation. Sometimes it happens because someone is in the habit of playing “Who’s the most Jewish” – but whatever it is, saying, “gee, I have never seen X at a Jewish funeral” when there were already mixed feelings in the family is a real problem. I love the custom of simply BEING there – it solves 100% of the “what to say” problem.
As a Catholic married to a Jewish man, I was surprised to hear that his sister would be having an open casket at her funeral. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the room where the casket sat . . . but there was no one in it! Or so I thought. Apparently the Jewish funeral home, accustomed to closed-casket services, was not aware of the head-and-shoulder support that open caskets use. My poor sister-in-law was lying in repose at the bottom of the box.
Bette, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that the open casket was your sister in law’s wish.
That IS a surprise; open casket funerals are extremely unusual for Jews. I wonder if the funeral home didn’t know about the head-and-shoulder support, or if they elected to omit it so that only those who wanted to see the body could do so?
I recently attended a funeral for a beloved synagogue employee who was Christian. Many Jews attended the service, and some were deeply upset by the sight of his embalmed body. They did not say a word about that to the family, of course – this manner of service and burial had been his wish and that of his family. I’m wondering if the Jewish funeral home at your sister in law’s funeral decided to arrange the body so that those who would be upset by it could avoid seeing it.
I was wondering if there is anything important to know about the service if the deceased is a stillborn baby boy or anything about the burial and mourning process. Thank you.
Very good question, Stephanie. I will address it in an upcoming entry.
Thank you kindly for your help
You’ve given wise, thoughtful advice here. Most of these suggestions (showing up, listening, being unobtrusive in appearance and actions, respectfully heeding directions and requests, and not pointing out the unusual) should apply to supporting mourners from other faiths, backgrounds, and traditions as well.
Thank you – your opinion on this subject means a lot to me.
Thank you for this guidance. My family is attending the funeral of a dear friend’s father this morning. These tips will be especially helpful as we talk our children (9 & 11, close friends of the deceased’s grandchildren) through what to expect and how to behave to be the best possible supports for their friends.
Thank you so much for writing, Marjorie, and I am sad for your friend’s loss. I am sure that your friend will appreciate your presence.
Thanks for these funeral etiquette tips. I’m glad you mentioned that you should talk quietly at a funeral. This seems really important for most funerals, especially if that’s what the overall environment feels like.
Tuning in to the environment is a form of empathy, a very important form of comforting the mourners. It is foolish to say, “I know how you feel” – we cannot know that exactly – but it is powerful to demonstrate with our behavior that we are with them and will not abandon them.
I’m have a Jewish funeral tomorrow of a friends parent but recently had a baby. What is the protocol with very young children (my son is 3months old)? My parents are away so I have no one to look after him… do I go and take him and slip out if he wakes or do I stay away as I don’t want to cause distress should I need to leave during the service?
In your situation I’d go, but sit somewhere I can slip out quickly if the baby fusses. Your presence even for a short time will mean a lot to your friend. Insist on a seat on the aisle and near the door, and you should be fine.