Fear and Humming: a Cancer Scare

June 25, 2013

English: SAN DIEGO (Sept. 22, 2008) Lead Mammo...

It all started six weeks ago when I found a lump in my right breast. My regular mammogram was coming up, so I figured OK, I will just keep the appointment. That was the wrong plan, because insurance being what it is, I needed to have a different kind of appointment with different approvals for a mammo with an actual bump. Oh.

I got the callback for Mammo #2 after a week. (Yes, I had to wait for the results on #1 before they could sign me up for round 2.) Round 2 was more mammography plus an ultrasound.

That trip to the radiologist was scary. I thought I was pretty calm at first, but when techs kept “going to check with the doctor” and then coming back to take more images again and again, I got very nervous. The last verse of Adon Olam [Master of Time & Space] played over and over in my head:

B’yado afkid ruchi
b’eit ishan v’a-irah
V’im ruchi g’viyati, 
Adonai li, v’lo ira.

In English:

Into your hand I trust my soul,
When I sleep and when I wake.
As with  my spirit, my body too:
God is with me and I will not fear.

Then the tech asked me to hum.  It was the first thing she’d said to me in a while.

“What?”  I was startled – you want me to what? 

“Hum, please, it will help us see details.”

So I hummed what was in my head: Adon Olam.  It was weirdly comforting. It was also just plain weird.

She snapped a few more pictures and then let me get dressed. Off I went to wait for another report. I got yet another callback: time for an “ultrasound guided needle biopsy.”

That time, no singing.

And finally, good news: it’s benign, probably a bit of damage from last year’s car accident. Whew.

The whole adventure took 6 weeks. My beloved life-partner, Linda, was a wonderful support. I can only imagine what bells were going off in her head as a two-time cancer survivor. I told a small circle of people what was happening, and they were solid: my rabbi, my cantor, a couple of friends.

I learned some things about myself. I was afraid, so afraid that I couldn’t admit I was afraid. The ancient words of Adon Olam became my mantra, insisting that I will not fear. I clung to the words, and to the tune, and to all of it because it was a fixed point in what I feared was about to become an unraveling world.

Did I believe “God is on my side so I will not have cancer?” Of course not. The fixed words of the prayers were a handhold on the familiar, on the things that endure. They were comforting precisely because they had been hummed by so many distressed Jews before me. They were comforting to me because they were a statement of faith that whatever happens, I am not alone.

I believe that God is the ultimate mystery; I do not presume to say much of anything about God on my own. What I do believe is that I am not alone, that goodness will be made manifest to me through the actions of good people, and through the blessings of creation, which is itself good. (Gen.  1:31) And I do believe that the traditions of Judaism link me to many of those people, and to a particular experience and appreciation of life.

Adonai li, v’lo ira.

In a way, it’s a whistle in the dark. I choose to believe that at the heart of the universe, there is goodness. Even had it been cancer, even had it been very, very bad, my life has meaning.

Adonai li, v’lo ira!


Cooking with a Wallflower

Cooking. Baking. Crafting. Writing.

ReBlogIt

Great Content from around the web ......

morethanenoughtruth

Words of truth are the bricks and mortar of reality.

From guestwriters

A tiny WordPress.com site based in Belgium

Living ~400lbs

... and believe me I am still alive

Metrowoman

... It can only get better...

Teela Hart

Surviving Domestic Violence

Unload and Unwind

A place to talk about the past, present and thoughts of the future

rabbimarcbelgrad

Website for B'Chavana, a Jewish Community with Intention

Jewish Gems - Anita Silvert

Judaism is a many-faceted thing

Rabbi Neal's Weekly Commentary

Parshat Hashavua from the Heart of the Hudson Valley

Convert Confidential

A Twenty-Something Converts to Judaism

Off the REKord

Ramblings and Reflections of a Reform Rabbi

Sheri de Grom

From the literary and legislative trenches.

Thy Critic Man

I am your superhero. I fight against awful television, terrible movies & horrendous videogames

Craig Lewis - The Lincoln Rabbi

Spirituality Through Rationality

WRITE IN ISRAEL

with JUDY LABENSOHN

Silicon Hutong

China and the World of Business • China Business and the World

Stuart Orme

Historian, Folklorist, Writer, Re-enactor, Museum Professional. Follow me on Twitter: @stuartorme

CaptainAwkward.com

Advice. Staircase Wit. Faux Pas. Movies.

SHEROES of History

Telling the stories of historical heroines

A Palatable Pastime

Let's have fun with food!

asian's cup of moonlight

Nothing beats a kid at heart. Let's travel the universe together. You and me: Together.

Attenti al Lupo

www.attentiallupo2012.com

Grover Anderson

Singer/Songwriter • Oakland, CA

willowdot21

An insight to a heart mind and soul.

Rabbi Audrey Korotkin

AltoonaRav: Reflections from a rural rabbi

Talkin' Reckless

Thoughtful blogging with a renegade twist

cuisinexperiments

adventures in cooking

dogtorbill

“This saying is hard; who can accept it?”

That Devil History

Historian Jarret Ruminski muses on how the past continues to shape contemporary politics, culture, and society in the United States.

timelychanges

Any major dude with half a mind surely will tell you my friend...

My Jewish Yearning

A great WordPress.com site

My Siyach

שיח Siyach: Hebrew, meaning: to put forth, meditate, muse, commune, speak, complain, ponder, sing

Amsterdam Centraaal

(with triple A)

Eat Bark Hike

Musings on Cooking and Hiking with Pepper

Susan LaDue Writes

The Kristen Maroney Mysteries

sadlyme

این نیز بگذرد‎

Inspiring Jews

A New Conversation

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,319 other followers

%d bloggers like this: