Do you have your seat yet at a Passover seder table yet? Well, why not?
Possible reasons, and my replies:
1. I don’t think I can do this by myself. You are absolutely right, you cannot do this by yourself! And if this is your first seder, you definitely do not want to be the host. However, did you know that it is a mitzvah to have guests at one’s Passover table? Therefore, by making yourself available as a guest, you are making it possible for someone to do a mitzvah. So get cracking and find yourself a seat! (See directions below.)
2. I am shy, and inviting myself to someone’s house or going to a community seder feels weird. Yes, it will feel weird. The holiday of Passover is designed to feel weird. Think of it this way: Shyness is your personal Egypt. Allow the routines and traditions of Passover to lead you out of shyness, at least a little way. Like the horseradish, sometimes it will taste uncomfortable. Like the charoset, it will also be sweet. And it may be as messy as matzah crumbs. But it will be OK.
3. I hate family dinners with my relatives. OK, you have two choices: You can see if this year, you can bring some new aspect of yourself to the table, or see some new aspect of the relatives, and have a new Passover this year. OR you can go to a different seder and have a different experience. Both choices offer pluses and minuses, and only you can tally those, but either way, you need to make your plans!
4. I hate matzah, gefilte fish, and those Passover desserts. OK, here it is, right from the rabbi’s keyboard: you are required to eat a small piece of matzah and to drink the wine or grape juice. It is OK to pass on the gefilte fish and the desserts. Just be sure to compliment the cook on something at the meal, and offer to help clean up. Now stop kvetching and find yourself somewhere for seder!
5. Oy, oy, oy, those seders go on forever! Wow, another kvetcher! So this isn’t your first seder, and the ones you’ve been to were too long? Get some friends together and have your own seder! There are short Haggadahs* on the market. Or you can use a regular Haggadah and decide ahead of time what you are going to shorten. Or figure out what parts of the seder are really meaningful to the group of you, and do those. Then congratulate one another on having left the Egypt of seders that go on forever. No, I am not kidding.
6. Insert your excuse here. Is there some other reason you do not yet know what you are doing for a Passover seder? Leave me a note in the comments!
* A Haggadah is a script for the Passover seder. It is not carved in stone, and there are many different ones on the market. You can treat it like Shakespeare and read every word, or you can have an Improv Seder. Up to you.
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HOW TO FIND A PASSOVER SEDER
1. Jewish Family If you have Jewish relatives nearby, then there’s your seat. If they aren’t “doing seder” this year, ask if anyone’s interested. There may be someone who knows how to do it that was just waiting for you to ask.
2. Jewish Friends Jews are obligated to observe Passover at the seder. It is socially acceptable to tell your Jewish friends that you are looking for a spot at a seder table. It is not socially acceptable to be noticeably picky about it. If you will be a guest at someone’s seder table, read Seven Ways to be a Great Passover Seder Guest.
3. Call the Synagogue Many synagogues organize a matchmaking thing before Passover, and will match people with families who are willing to host. This tends to work better if you are already known at that synagogue, but it’s worth a try even if you aren’t. If it’s a liberal synagogue (Reform, etc) they may have a Community Seder to which you can purchase a ticket. Do not show up at a Community Seder expecting to buy a ticket at the door: they usually sell out, and often there is no way to handle money at the door on a holiday. CALL AHEAD – in fact, call NOW.
4. Call the Jewish Federation and the Jewish Community Center Like the synagogue, they may have a matchmaking service OR a Community Seder. Again, for communal seders you usually are expected to buy a ticket. If you really can’t afford the price, ask about discounted tickets.
5. No Federation or JCC nearby? Look for any local Jewish institutions, call and ask them for help.
With all these possibilities, the earlier you start looking, the likelier you are to find a place at the table. A good seder is worth the trouble, and as I said, guests at the table are a Passover mitzvah. Good hunting! (And don’t delay, time’s a-wasting!)
Image: “Passover 2013” by Ellen Davis -Attribution-ShareAlike License
Hi Rabbi, you note that liberal synagogues often offer a Community Seder, the Conservative and Orthodox synagogues also offer a community Seder.
Just about every synagogue or JCC that offers a community Seder offers it on the second night of Passover. This is because the majority of Jews spend the first Seder with family. This can be especially hard if you are a convert with no Jewish family and yet want to observe Passover. In such a situation you should absolutely call your rabbi and ask him or her make a shidduch (match) for you with a family. Remember, your rabbi WANTS you to observe Passover so you are doing the RIGHT thing in contacting him or her.
Perfectly put, Dawn!
I read your potnisg and was jealous
One more thing, #2 above, many people feel ashamed that they don’t have somewhere to go for Seder. It feels like a statement about their lack of friends or family or social connections. But here’s the surprise, some of the most active and popular people I know don’t have somewhere to go! EVERYONE thinks they have other invitations so they just don’t invite them. I learned 2 things from a friend who revealed her family’s *alone-ness status* don’t assume everyone has an invitation, go ahead and ask. And second, speak up because some people feel to shy to invite YOU!
Absolutely right! As you know, I just asked if I could come to YOUR seder (people are always shy about inviting a rabbi!)